A Woman of Substance

11 Oct

After my most recent dating disaster, I decided it was time for me to redeem myself. I needed to prove that while a White Trash Gal lurked deep within (actually just beneath the surface, but delusions can be a good thing), I could also be a Woman of Substance. Not only had I read the book by Barbara Taylor Bradford, I could identify with the woman of humble beginnings who made something of herself. That would be me on my next date: a woman with depth and character, who was intelligent, witty and confident. I figured with the right outfit, some duct tape and baling wire – I could rise from the ashes of my last date. Why, I could be an inspiration to women everywhere!

It’s the night of my big transformation and the scene is set. Cole and I will meet at the Azia restaurant downtown at 6:30 pm. I suggested the location and even downloaded directions for both of us from their website. (I’m so clever, I think to myself) This is perfect. I get home at 4:30 so this allows me plenty of time to walk Buddy and leisurely get ready for my date. Once home, Bud and I go for a quick walk before I begin laying out my clothes. Skirt, cute little top, high heels, hose (going bare-legged is against my upbringing)… wait. Oh dear God, there’s a giant run in my hose. Frantically pawing through my dresser I realize a quick trip to the store is in order. I grab the keys and sprint down the hallway of my apartment building only to realize that awful howling noise I hear is Bud screeching because I left without him. I race back, grab him, toss him in the car and it’s hell-bent for leather to the store and back again. By this time, its 5:30 and I’ve got to be on the road by 6:00 pm. Shit! I pull myself together in record time and am on my way. Whispering words of encouragement to myself, I finally make it to the restaurant. I pull into the parking lot and, Oh. No. It’s closed! Moved to a new location and no, this was NOT on the website. I can feel my face getting hot as I call Cole and tell him what’s happened. He laughs, calls 411 and gets the new location. No problem! Except it’s considerably closer from where he is and I’m on the other side of town. He seems to be very understanding, it’s okay, it could happen to anyone, blah, blah, blah. Right.

So I’m on way to dinner in downtown traffic and the Woman of Substance is crumbling fast. I am sweating like a construction worker at high noon as I dig through my purse for Kleenex while trying not to rear-end the car in front of me. Stuffing the tissue under my armpits and into my bra helps stem the river of anxiousness pouring off of me. I look in the rearview mirror and my face is flushed – not in a pretty, dewy way, but in a menopausal, half-crazed way. Christ. Finally getting to the restaurant (20 minutes late!), I remember to pull the wads of sticky tissue from my bra before walking inside. Good Lord, these pantyhose feel like I’m wearing a sweaty vise from waist to ankles. Resisting the urge to tug at my clothes, I sedately walk inside the restaurant.

Cole is waiting for me at our table and I gracefully slide into my seat while apologizing in a low voice for being delayed. (I am going to be a Woman of Substance if it frickin’ kills me, and at this rate, that’s a very real possibility.) We exchange idle chit chat, order our food and sip our drinks. Four club sodas later, my face is still flushed and worse, the crotch of my pantyhose feels like it has melted to my skin. Gross. I’m hot, sticky and now I have to pee. Our food arrives and I excuse myself for a brief trip to the ladies room.  Standing in front of the mirror, I give myself a little pep talk. “It’s okay, you can do this! Just go back out there and continue to make quiet, dignified conversation. Act like a lady and he’ll think you ARE a lady.” At this point, White Trash Gal starts sniggering in a not very nice way. I tell her to shut it and make my way back to the table.

I sit down and it’s all “Oh my, the food is delicious. How’s yours? Would you like to try some of my dish?” See, this is how people with class conduct themselves on a date. I congratulated myself on how well I was doing. A phoenix, I tell you…

We discussed politics (I wisely kept my opinions to myself), recent movies, books we’ve read, concerts – very top shelf conversation if I do say so myself.

It was going well and then the conversation turned to relationships. Cole had never married, just had a few long-term relationships with no children. I told him I had a daughter and he asked if I wanted any more children. Now, a normal response would be, “No, I’m very content with having just one,” or even “I might consider it if the person I were with wanted children.” Good replies, right? You might be thinking to yourself, I bet that’s exactly what Lisa said… well, you would be wrong.

Instead, I blurted out, “Oh, God no! I’ve had a hysterectomy. My uterus and I parted company years ago!”

In case you’ve ever wondered, I can assure you that uttering the word uterus during dinner is a buzz kill. As soon as the word was out of my mouth, I knew by the startled look on his face that any points I had managed to accrue during the evening were shot down with that single statement. Oh. Dear. God. Just let a hole open up so I and my twisted, sweaty pantyhose along with this sticky bra can fall in never to be seen again. Well, I wasn’t that lucky. I endured the remainder of the meal which was wasn’t long in coming. Cole walked me to my car, awkwardly patted me on the back and gave me the “I’ll call you” line. Uh huh. I think we all know that wasn’t gonna happen and for the record, it hasn’t.

That night, I lay in bed torturing myself by replaying the worst parts of the evening over and over in my head. Cheese and crackers, it was like the worst Lifetime movie ever and I couldn’t get away from it. Groaning with mortification, I turned over and buried my face into my pillow.

“Oh well,” I consoled myself, “At least I didn’t say vulva.”

Til next time,

Lisa D 😀

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7 Responses to “A Woman of Substance”

  1. Kathy 10/11/2010 at 10:22 pm #

    LOL. OMG too funny. The one about the banjos is still my favorite, but this one is good too. Can’t wait for the next one!

    • Chip Suchy 10/11/2010 at 11:36 pm #

      See how happy your making everyone with your misfortunes, for your sake I hope there isn’t to many more but for our sake there’s a ton!!!

      • lisad206 10/12/2010 at 9:12 am #

        There is more, trust. lol

    • lisad206 10/12/2010 at 9:13 am #

      My redemption fell flat on its face, didn’t it?

  2. Steve Vee 10/12/2010 at 2:48 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHA!….you said “uterus” on a date……
    HAHAHAHAHA!

    • lisad206 10/12/2010 at 9:20 pm #

      I wish my date had laughed half as hard as you, Steve.

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