Jesus Speaks Through Pantyhose

13 Oct

You’re probably thinking, “What the (insert word of your choice)?” right about now, aren’t you?  That was pretty much my reaction when it was explained to me, so you’re not alone in your befuddlement. I mean, we’ve all read the stories or seen it on the news where a person is earnestly explaining how Jesus’ face suddenly appeared in their taco or in the tile of their recently renovated bathroom floor.* But to find out Jesus speaks through pantyhose is something so remarkable that I simply could not keep it to myself. Something this profound must be shared…

After reading my Woman of Substance debacle, my mom called me later that night to commiserate and offer words of advice. The conversation went something like this:

“Lisa, honey, my face was as red as could be when I was reading your blog. I was just humiliated for you!

Thanks, Mom. Trust me when I say it was worse living it than reading about it.

Well, I just wanted to tell you that you never should have gone on that date. The first clue to cancel would have been finding the run in your hose. That was God’s way of telling you to stay home.

Mom, what are you saying? Jesus was trying to tell me something and I wasn’t hearing Him?

That’s exactly what I’m saying. When you realized you had a run, you should have called it off right then and there. Jesus was telling you not to go. By the way, were you able to shower before your date? (What? Conversations with my mom never flow in a straight line – there’s always a hard left somewhere and this would be it.)

Uh, no, Mom, I didn’t have time to shower. What does that have to do with anything?

That was your second clue from God. You should have said you had malaria and stayed home. If you’re not clean, you shouldn’t be going out on a date. Did you have time to take a Texas bath?

Mom, I have no idea what you’re talking about… how does Texas factor into this scenario?

A Texas bath is when you use a wet washcloth to wipe “certain” parts of your body and sprinkle yourself with powder. It’s also known as a whore bath, but we’re not gonna use that term.

Uh, no, I just cleaned up the regular way.

Okay, well, just remember what I said. The next time you decide to go on a date and find a run in your hose, what do you do?

I listen to Jesus and stay home.

That’s my girl! I love you and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye now!

I hang up the phone and sit there gathering my thoughts, or rather what’s left of them after having a conversation that included Jesus, pantyhose and the personal hygiene habits of women of questionable moral standards. All this time I’ve been looking for direction from above only to find out that Jesus was in my sock drawer.

Who knew?

LisaD 😀

*I actually read a news story about a couple who swore the face of Jesus appeared in the tile of their recently remodeled bathroom. All I could think was that I could never pee in that bathroom. hehe


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