Trolling for Seniors… A New Rock Bottom

17 Oct

My last post was all about the loving advice only a mother can give her daughter… (snorting back laughter). It was actually more along the lines of weird shit my mom said that has left me apprehensive when opening my sock drawer.

To be fair, both parents have offered up ideas they believed would be helpful as I navigate the world of dating. I would be remiss if I didn’t share the inspirational nuggets of wisdom offered up by my dad. I begin with nugget #1 given to me shortly after my divorce:

Lisa, honey, do you think you’re too old to get your hooks back in the water?

What are you talking about, Dad? Too old? It’s not like I’m ancient!

Now, honey, all I’m a ‘sayin is if you’re gonna try and land a man, you gotta get yourself a hooks in the water hairdo. You know what I’m talking about… when women get divorced, they all go out and get the same hairdo. It’s all big on top with those short little pieces that hang down in the back.

(Well, what do you know. Apparently there’s a universal hairdo that announces to the world I’m divorced and desperate.)

You know, Dad, I’m good. I think instead of hacking my hair off just yet, I’m gonna sit on the pier for a while.

Nugget #2:

Lisa, honey, your momma tells me you’re not happy with the way some of your dates have been behavin’. She says they been trying to go from first base straight to a home run.

(Side note: discussing pick-up lines from other men with YOUR DAD will leave you with a weird feeling afterwards. Trust me on this one.)

Yeah, Dad, that’s been pretty much the case on almost every single date I’ve had.

You haven’t been bringin’ ’em back to your place, have you?

NO, Dad!! (embarrassment really starting to kick in right. about. now.)

Well, honey, what’s the age bracket of these men you been seein’?

They’re around my age. Roughly 39 to 45. Why?

Oh, honey, you can’t date men that age! They done lost their mind.

(What? I’m dating insane people and I don’t know it?)

Men that age think of one thing only: getting it.

I think we all know what “it” is and I feel slightly nauseous just hearing the words come out of my dad’s mouth.

All they think about is ‘When’s the last time I got it and when’s the next time I’m gonna get it.’ Men don’t come to their senses until they hit about 60. Then they start thinkin’ normal again.

So you’re saying what – I should date men who are in their 60s? Oh, gross, Dad! I can’t date men your age! Everyone will think I have Daddy issues! Not to mention, again, that’s just gross!

Honey, I’m just tellin’ you that’s the way it is. Nothing to be done about it ‘cept maybe wait ’til your about 10 years older before you date again.

Dear God, this is getting worse and worse. I had no idea dating was going to be this difficult. At this rate, by the time I’m ready to date again I’ll be too old to care.

Problem: What I’ve been doing isn’t working, so it’s obvious I need to make changes.

Solution: The Golden Valley Living Center

It’s perfect! The Golden Valley Living Center is a retirement home and it’s just down the road from me. The men who live there are well into their 60s and according to my dad, they’ve come to their senses by now! Problem solved. My plan is simple.

Hooks in the water hairdo? CHECK.

Golden Valley Visitors Pass? CHECK

Speak with Jesus via Leggs Control Top Size B Off-Black hose? CHECK

Look out, senior citizens, I am back and ready to BINGO!

Til we meet again,

Lisa D 😀


2 Responses to “Trolling for Seniors… A New Rock Bottom”

  1. Chip 10/17/2010 at 7:47 pm #

    Men in there 60’s huh, did you tell dad they need a pill and that you’d also give a heart attack. But seriously DON’T chop your hair..

    • lisad206 10/17/2010 at 7:55 pm #

      I’m not chopping my hair… yet. Kidding! hehe

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