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A night of vomit and crazy

13 Sep

My daughter, Ana, had lunch with me today and came over to my place after work. She was going on a blind date (yikes!) and wanted to visit with me for a bit as she was a bit nervous. This would be her first blind date and she needed a little mom support. After getting ready, she asked my thoughts on her attire.

“Your skirt is too short and you’re showing too much cleavage.”


Funny how she can take a single syllable word and make it a mile long. Actually, she looked great, but I was morally obligated as her mother to provide constructive criticism. She is meeting her date at 6:00 pm and it’s time for her to leave. I ask her to text me at some point so I’ll know she’s okay and she agrees before hugging me bye.

6:20 pm

I am on the phone with my friend, Dave, when a text message pops up from Ana:

OMG. Please call me in two minutes with an emergency!

Oh, this is just too classic. For once, I’m not the one enduring the date from hell. After two minutes of pondering my “emergency,” I dial her number.


In a teary voice (keeping it real here, folks) I say, “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry to call you on your date! Bud is vomiting blood and I’m taking him to the pet hospital! Please come with me! I can’t go by myself!”

“Oh my god, are you serious?”

“Yes! I’m so scared and I need you to be with me! Please?”

“I’m on my way, Mom!”

We disconnect and I am laughing hysterically at this point. I wait ten minutes before calling her back.

“So what was so bad about your date that I had to bail you out?”

“Oh, god, Mom… his teeth… they were… oh, god. He seriously needs to see a dentist STAT! Oh, god… I feel sick. I gotta go.”

So, technically speaking, there was vomiting last night, it just wasn’t Bud.

* * * *

I often volunteer at a shelter in the Twin Cities and a guy named Tom volunteers there, as well. We had spoken before and he seemed nice enough. Well, actually, he did most of the talking about his job (attorney), social status (divorced with an evil ex-wife who took him to the cleaners and kept his Mercedes Benz) and other inconsequential topics. He hinted at asking me out, but I never took the bait.

So about two weeks ago, I’m waiting at the bus stop when Tom pulls up next to me on his bike. Apparently he lives in the area of my office and was out for an afternoon ride when he spotted me. We chatted for a bit before my bus arrived and I headed home. You can imagine my surprise when I got a voice mail a few days later from Tom. I assumed he got my number from the sign-in sheets at the shelter as I had not given it to him.

“Hi, Lisa, it’s Tom. Just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed seeing you the other day. You looked great and I would like to take you out sometime. Call me back and let’s get together.”

Oh, that’s so sweet, I thought to myself. I saved the message as I really did plan to call him back and say “Thanks, but no thanks, I’m seeing Mike; hope things go well; blah, blah, blah.”

I forgot to call him back.

During last night’s vomitous series of events, my phone rings and I let it go to voice mail.

“Hi, Lisa, it’s Tom. I called you a couple of weeks ago and you could have had the DECENCY to call back. I don’t know if you got your hair dyed or what… that’s the rest of the story. You know what to do.”

Tom is very loud and I strongly suspect it’s a drunk dial. Either that, or dude is seriously whacked. I listened to his message twice only because I was trying to figure out what he meant by me getting my hair dyed. I don’t dye my hair. Even if I did, what the hell would that have to do with anything?

Tom just got moved from the ‘Oh, that’s so sweet’ column to the ‘Crazy Mo Fo’ column.

You’re right, Tom. I do know what to do and that would be to NOT call you back because, quite frankly, that bitch be crazy.

Hugs and kisses,

Lisa D 😀


Dante’s Dating Inferno/Level 2: The Creeper

5 Jun

After my disastrous experience with Greg aka The Liar, I decided to be more stringent in filtering through emails, messages and profiles before committing to another date thereby avoiding a repeat performance.


Allow me to introduce you to “The Creeper.”

I received a message from Dan and after checking his profile, we began emailing before moving up to talking on the phone. It didn’t take long before we decided to meet for lunch at Boston’s on a Saturday afternoon. The plan was to meet at noon, have lunch and get to know each other with no pressure. At least that was the plan on my side of the fence.

I texted Dan while getting ready and said I needed be on my way home by 2:30 as I had some things to do later that day. It was completely true; I did have errands to finish up and wanted to be home at decent hour. He responded back with this message – “Oh, you mean I only get to have you for a couple of hours?”

Have me? Not sure why that didn’t sit well with me other than it just sounded weird and oddly possessive. Oh well, I let it go thinking I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

We arrive at the same time and Dan seems really nice. Very friendly and he looks like his photos (that’s a good thing). We eat and the conversation is flowing well enough that I’m thinking I would probably go out with him again. We part ways, I head home and life is good.

Until the text messages began.

“Do you like me?”

“What did you think of me?”

“Are you going out with me again?”

I’m already feeling suffocated, but knowing how I am I call my daughter to get her read on the situation. I read the messages to Ana and in her own loving, caring way she says, “What is it with you? Why do you always get the Stage 5 Clingers? God, mom! You need to lose this guy.”

Is it me? Am I a nut magnet? Nah. She’s overreacting. I texted Dan back briefly to say again that I had a good time with him and would talk to him soon. A rather generic response, but it seemed appropriate to me.

Next morning which happened to be Memorial Day, I log onto my account and check messages. Within moments a message pops up from Dan.

“Why is it that when you log on you NEVER SAY HI TO ME?! I thought you LIKED ME! I’m sure you’re checking emails, but the LEAST you could do is SAY HI!”

WTF? This guy is all-capping me which means he’s yelling at me less than 48 hours after meeting me! Wow. Worse than that, he’s obviously been creeping around on the site waiting to message me the minute I logged on. What better way to completely creep me out. I’m sorry, Dan, but you’ve left me no choice.


Next step, edit profile to read: “If you have creeper or stalker-like traits, DO NOT MESSAGE ME!”

I love ALL CAPS.

Up next… Dante’s Dating Inferno Level 3

LisaD 😀

The Blind Date That Never Was

15 Sep

My friend Brian knew a guy that would be “just right” for me (or so he said). His friend was recently divorced and ready to jump back into the dating pool. I assume I was to be the diving board in this scenario, but I digress.

So I agreed to let Brian give his friend, Tom, my cell phone number foolishly thinking, “Oh, we’ll text for a while; if that goes well we move to talking, and then possibly meet for coffee.” Uh huh. Tom had my number in his hot little hand by 1:30 on a Friday afternoon. It went straight downhill from there. I keep my cell set to vibrate on my desk during the day. It’s kinda handy to have around in case Ana (daughter/chief critic) decides to text me and tell me what I’m doing wrong as apparently these are items that must be addressed on a regular basis. My phone vibrates signifying an incoming call. I don’t recognize the number so I let it go to voice mail. Unbeknownst to me, this would be the first of many messages I would receive from Tom over the next 24+ hours. I listened to his voice mail and decided to text him thereby triggering an avalanche of unforeseen proportions.  It went something like this:

1:30 pm/Friday/voice mail #1

L:  I’m at work. I’ll be home around 5:30 if you want to text me.

T:  Okay

T:  Are you home yet? (sent at 4:00 pm)

Thinking to myself: What the hell is this guy’s problem? Can he not tell time?

L:  No. On the bus. Home at 5:30 Sheesh

T:  Okay

T:  Home yet? (sent at 5:15)

L:  Walking the dog. Will call when I’m done. (grinding teeth together while pulling my hapless dog behind me)

I called, we talked, he seemed normal. Note the word seemed here. He asked me out for dinner that night. I declined saying I was tired and just wanted to relax after a long week. I really was tired and frankly, the idea of showering again, getting dressed and being forced to have a polite conversation was just too far outside the box for me. He wanted to have a drink instead. I said no, thank you. (grinding teeth again) “Okay, how about lunch tomorrow?” he asked. I respond, “Let me see what’s on my schedule for tomorrow. I’ll text you in the morning.” He finally accepted that answer and we hung up. Thank God. Now I could get into my pj’s, order in Jimmy John’s and poke around in my not-so-extensive DVD collection for tonight’s top movie choices. Let’s see… Gothika (too dark), Urban Cowboy (too yeehaw), Talladega Nights (too stupid), Dumb and Dumber (more stupid), ah yes, When Harry Met Sally. Perfect. Slide DVD into player, press play. Cell chirps with a message. Pause movie.

T:  What are you doing?

Jesus Christ, what is this guy’s deal?

L:  Watching a movie, eating dinner.

T:  Wish I was there.

I don’t. Play. Few minutes pass…

T:  I promise you won’t be dissapointed when you meet me. I’m not conceded or anything, just know that I’m good-looking.

Pause. Forward text to Ana along with this message:

L:  This guy is standing on my last nerve. He misspelled two words. Should I blow him off?

A:  Mom, don’t be so high-maintenance! Lots of people can’t spell. You’re nitpicking! He might be the one.

I highly doubt it. Play. Continue watching movie, cell phone chirps. Again. Pause.

T: What movie are you watching?

L: When Harry Met Sally (snarling while typing out message, dog inches away from me)

Forward text to Ana:

L:  I can’t stand this. He is all up in my business!

A:  Mom! Give it a rest! Have lunch with him! (muttering darkly to herself)

Play. Keep watching movie. Wow, this sandwich is really good. I’ll have to order this next time. Phone chirps. Shit. Pause.

T:  Do you like to cuddle with that special someone?

WTF? Did he just use the C-word? Cuddle? Gag.

L:  Not really.

T:  How about just snuggle and watch a movie together?

Okay, that’s it. You are done. No talking, no lunch, no nothing.

Forward text to Ana:

L:  NOW can I blow him off?

A:  Eww! Back away! You’ve got a Stage 5 Clinger!

I knew it. Play.

So I turn the phone off, finish my movie in peace, Buddy and I hit the sack. Next morning, it’s coffee and out for a walk/run with the dog. After my shower, I turn on my phone and realize that in the last two hours Tom has called twice and sent nine text messages.

Christ on a cracker.

L:  Plans for today, will not be able to meet you for lunch.

T:  How about tonight?

L:  I don’t think I’m ready to date. I’ve got a full plate already. Good luck though.

T:  How about tomorrow?

God. Get a clue, would you?

I finish getting ready and head out for a fun day of errands. No, really, I like my errands day. I go to Wal-Mart, the bookstore, Target, whatever I feel like – very relaxing. Except for the fact that Tom aka “Cuddles” will not quit texting me. And calling me. And texting me when I don’t answer my phone which then triggers another phone call.

T:  We can be friends.

L:  I have plenty of friends.

T:  I’m a good listener.

T:  Can’t we just talk?

T:  Maybe we can start off as friends and see where it goes from there.

Ready to pull Tom through the phone and break his texting fingers off one by one.

Ruin my day, why don’t you, Tom?! I spent the entire day being inundated with Tom’s texts which progressed from pleas of friendship to What have I done wrong? Why won’t you answer your phone? Are you mad at me? Finally, I gave up at 9:30 that night and texted him one last message.

L:  I am not going out with you. I do not want to talk. I do not want to be friends. You are creeping me out. Do Not Call Me! Do Not Text Me! I am blocking your number! Lastly, Do Not Respond to This Message!!

Phone chirps.

T: Okay.


Cuddles called me 9 times and sent 68 text messages in less than two days.

The good new is Brian has been banned from any attempts at fixing me up ever again. The great news is I have recovered and no longer flinch when the phone chirps.

LisaD 😀