Tag Archives: relationships

Destroying Your Self-Esteem One Click at a Time

31 Jan

This blog courtesy of guest writer, Paul. Read it and weep. Or laugh. Or both cuz that’s what I did. – LisaD

I have decided to characterize my explorations into the field of “Dating over 40 from a Man’s Perspective.” It seems that after much prodding, pushing and cajoling by friends and family; I decided to attempt to re-enter the world of dating aka shoving your self-esteem off a cliff.

So, it’s a new day and age, how hard could it be to starting dating again? According to TV commercials I should be able to order up a suitable female companion by just asking my car while driving to “GPS-a-Date” right? Now, I first must again stress, how reluctantly I entered this project, my second wife (wow, how painful to even say that) was, and is, a hard act to follow.  I am sure that post-divorce statements as such those  have significant bearing on my ability to prosecute this campaign of “dating” and probably worth a few house payments to a psychiatrist, but I digress. I don’t have internet access in my car, BUT I do have internet access and according to Zoosk, Eharmony, Match, Plenty of fish, etc. finding the “love of my life” is only mouse click away, for a price, of course. After watching all those commercials, I wondered why all dating isn’t vetted and scrubbed by 39 areas of compatibility, personality tests, and visual preference checklists. That thought begets another observation, why do these sites offer monthly, quarterly, and annual memberships? According to the commercials, it’s a match made in heaven! Well, since it’s so scientific I’ll just sign up for a month as this gives me PLENTY of time to find a date!

So, I decided to give internet “matching/dating” a try. Step 1: sign up, easy peasy; step 2: answer all the questions – easy again, well things are looking up! Step 3: answer what “I” am looking for in a match. Hmmm, now that’s interesting and thought provoking… maybe I’ve got a shot here of defining the perfect Logan’s Run sort of 21st Century mail order date. At that point I had a flash of a Eagles song “I am looking for the daughter of the devil himself, I’ve been searching for an angel in white, I’ve been waiting for a woman that’s a little of both…” Back to my “what my date will be like… boxes checked- check!  I am really feeling pretty sporty about now; this internet thing is going make this very painless. Step 4: in 1000 characters or less describe yourself to prospective dates. WTF! Describe myself! Wait, what about the boxes and tests and all the other stuff? Oh great, I have no possible idea where to begin. I am a resourceful fellow and thought I might go look at my target audience, read their profiles and see what I am up against.

Originally I had very specific ideas as to how this would work. I would take the tests, answer the questions, etc. and at the other end (per TV ads) out pops a compatible match. So, I access the search function button and voila up it appears. Wait, that can’t be right. It has two criteria – age and distance from me. Where are all the 39 areas of compatibility? The personality profile matches? Chemistry quotients? Age and distance? Really? Coupled with that Step 4 thing I am feeling a little bait and switch is going on here. I reined in my cynicism and decided I will just work with what I have. So, I am 49 and I usually have a five-year rule so that means 44 – 54. Geebus, 54! God, I am middle-aged! I’m in the middle of being friggin’ OLD! I have to carry on with this or keep hearing about it from my concerned “circle of friends and family,” which I might add, don’t have to deal with “dating at my age.” I still think this is at least a better idea that a “blind date” set up by people I haven’t seen for 20 years. At least my dating abilities (or lack of) will be without critique and gossip by the community. So, I estimated how far I was willing to drive for a date, entered the number, took a deep breath and clicked “Search.”

MY GOD!  There are literally thousands of results, 20+ pages! There are that many single women in my area between 44 and 54?  Well, maybe there is a ray of sunshine in my dreary post-divorce life. Okay, just start at the top and read through a few.

Oh, look they are trying to have a catchy tag line. (Note to self: come up with a catchy line. Maybe Renaissance Redneck Seeking Cultured Country Girl). Oh, there are pictures, cool.  Wait that means I need pictures. Oh God! My pictures look like a US postal service wanted posters! Who am I going to ask to take my picture (with a straight face)? What will I wear?  Okay focus, Paul, back to the profiles.

First up is “Christian woman seeking God fearing man for LTR”;  wait a sec, all her pictures are in the bedroom wearing pseudo lingerie and must have had Madonna’s Vogue playing in the background because she is “striking a pose” rather suggestively, I might add. Maybe she is playing to the Jimmy Swaggart kind of man. So I read on to see what she desires in a man. Oh look, her income threshold for a man is 150K. WHAT! Wait a min. honey; your little burlesque show wasn’t that good. For that kind of money you better have had the plastic surgery done already; at best you may be a fixer upper.  Nah, I’ll pass.

Next up is “No drama mamma, giving, fun woman with zest for life”; huh, sounds “fun” I guess. Let’s see, she has 20 pictures! First picture, looks like she is at a pub having a beer with friends (how fun is that?) she is social that’s good. Second picture she is at a different pub drinking something blue and she looks hammered. More “fun” apparently. Pictures 3-20 ALL have her in some state of inebriation and a few with cigarette in hand. WAIT, I specifically checked the “no smoking” in my preference list and she has “doesn’t smoke” on her profile. Well, pictures to the contrary and she listed “drinks occasionally.” I guess being awake is the occasion and I am sure she has no drama as she is blasted most of the time and is pseudo catatonic. At this point, I do not want to know what she meant by “giving.”

 “Curvy and vivacious” you guessed it – no pix, but has ample food references throughout the profile. Gee, I wonder why there isn’t a picture? Guess she is going to find a man to love her “for the beautiful person she is on the inside without clouding it up with all that physical beauty issues.” Note to ladies: men are visual, we need a picture. There is nothing wrong with being a full-figured woman. Men have different tastes, but we all like to see our prospective date.  Why would you bother to create a profile without a pix?

OH Crap! I need pictures. I don’t think the pictures with me in camouflage will work, then again it might scare off only a certain kind of woman or it could simply scare off women completely. Who will I possibly get to take a pix of me?  I have to trust they aren’t just blowing smoke up my ass telling me “Oh it’s a great pix”… yeah right! I am about as photogenic as a set of PR head shots for a carnival sideshow agent. Screw it. I’ll just do it myself… where is that camera?

Hmm, well I have this laptop camera thingy right in front of me, why not just use it? So I go comb my hair – that took 2 seconds as I keep it very short. I better gussy up so I washed my face, shaved, put on a little cologne (don’t ask me why, it was confidence thing I guess), sit down,  now how do I make this thing take a click wait, I wasn’t rea click dy. WT click F! Oh it’s a timer thing, fixed that – hey, wonder what I looked like in those pix? Maybe one is a keeper.

As I peruse recent documents in the picture folder on the laptop, I am also accessing my cerebral cortex where I keep self-image stored. Oh, there is one.. let’s see…. Jesus H. Christ who is the friggin’ old bastard on the screen!… Holy shit that’s me… I …ah ugh..ah ah I… that isn’t.. OH God I’m screwed! Those camo pix are starting to look pretty good right now.  Now I understand why you create a profile without a picture. You know women at least get to use makeup. Well, who would  know if…wait a minute I am NOT going the route of metrosexual…. it was totally just me not being ready I need to relax, smile and try this again… okay I close my eyes and think of Austin Powers photo shoots, set the timer thing again… okay deep breath and click click (turn head a bit to the left) click (other side) click (give them that mischievous devil may care smile)  click (serious look) click (chin down) click (chin up) click. Okay let’s see. Good God! These are worse! Mischievous smile? I look like a friggin’ mug shot of a serial killer. Serious look? Well, I look serious alright as in deadly serious without the “ly” just dead. DAMN! I know, I know, its the lighting. Yep it’s the lighting alright. Who am I kidding? The fact there is light is the issue – if I take these in the dark they would be an improvement! I’m going with the camo pix for sure. I’ll just crop them and find a way to make them work.   I’ll just focus on “wooing” my perfect match with my rapier wit and sales ability. Oh  NO!!  This brings me back to describing myself in 1000 words or less! WTF! And I am paying a monthly fee for this destruction of self-esteem?

This is all I can handle today. I will re-group, start writing my witty, humorous and intelligent description of me. First, I will start pondering a tag line. Hey, that Renaissance redneck thing might be an option…

Perilous Paul

Advertisements

I Know What Men Want. Really.

20 Jan

I have a secret, guilty pleasure.

No, it’s not what you think! (God, some people are so perverted.)

I read the personal ads on Craigslist.

What? You can’t honestly tell me you never read them and had a WTF? moment. This is voyeurism at its finest. And I am a guilty participant.

My interest began innocently enough. It all started with the Showtime series Dexter. During the first season, the lead character Dexter was communicating with a serial killer via the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. Up ‘til then I thought this site was a place you went to buy a used sofa that smelled like cat pee. I was mistaken.

Here was a place where people with unique needs could seek out the company of those who would be understanding and supportive of said needs. In layman terms, the whack jobs could troll the crazy waters looking for that one special lunatic. It was love at first read.

Only problem was I was somewhat virginal (quit laughing) when it came to deciphering personal ad lingo. Then I discovered internetslang.com. Nice. I found out that BBW = Big Beautiful Woman and apparently every man out there wants one. It’s also considered to be a win-win if she has BANGERS = Boobs aka Sausages (I’m thinking patty, not link). Scoring a HWB = Hottie with a Body would be a major coup especially if she agreed to be a CSP = Casual Sex Partner. Unfortunately, it’s usually men who are AAB = Average At Best that post these ads in the hopes of snagging an LTR = Long Term Relationship. But as much as I love trying to crack the code of what men really want in a woman, I have a perverse appreciation for those who just put it out there with no sense of shame or embarrassment. A few of my favorites are:

The guy in Bloomington who wants a girl who stutters. I don’t get it. Does he stutter, too? Wouldn’t finishing a conversation take freakin’ forever if BOTH of you have a speech impediment?

The man who doesn’t want to have sex with you, but he does want to smother your feet. I don’t even want to know… okay, I do want to know, but I couldn’t find anything on Google under “foot smothering fetish.”

The woman seeking a eunuch. For realz. She’s worked behind the camera in the porn industry for so long she can no longer look at a man’s privates. Hehe I totally get that.

But by far, the poor man in Minneapolis who wants to meet a woman who isn’t repulsed by the fact that he is an ABDL = Adult Baby Diaper Lover. He’s been posting forever so I’m assuming no hits. Ya think?

So I’m laughing with my friends from work about personal ads which segues into men and what they really want in a woman. Jennifer mentions this guy she kinda likes and how he seems to be interested in another gal that is, shall we say, lacking in the looks department. Actually she smells like patchouli and could miss a meal (or 20). Jennifer asked us what could it be that Sasquatch had that she herself was missing?

“Beer-flavored nipples,” I replied.

My other friend Sandy looked startled for about two seconds before she burst out laughing.

Men don’t really want a BBW or a CSP or even an ACG = Asian Cowgirl. They want BFN. Preferably Heineken.

Hugs and kisses!

LisaD 😀